| Let The Good Times Roll |
[11 Dec 2004|02:02am] |
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Hey guys,
Oh man, things have been pretty good lately. A very sweet december. Finally, my faith comes into play, and things are goin alright. I got some family issues I wont get into but I'm a strong believer in God and I have faith that no matter what happens, everything will be alright. Besides the whole family issues, I can't help but smile constantly, So I started talkin to this girl ash, who I met off this site. Turned out she was pretty cool, she worked with a few of my good friends, and we had some pretty cool convo's online. So last wednesday, we decided to meet, and we went to the mall and shit. I don't know, its kinda awkward meeting someone from the internet, its still kinda taboo, so the first few min. were awkward, but I got to see my buddy guy at the mall with his girlfriend, and I also saw Grego. So we walked through the mall for a lil, and than went to target to visit one of her best friends. A lil bit after that we went to borders and michaels and all that deal, and the more time I spent with her, the more I couldn't stop laughin and smiling. She's all about havin a good time which I thought was chill. Than we left the stores and chilled in her car, and had nothing better to do so we chilled and talked for a while. I gotta tell ya, the whole time in the car, I didn't care what time it was, what was on the radio, but all I could think of was how beautiful her smile was, and enjoyin every minute of laughing and joking with her. Me and her have alot in common, especially the whole lovy dovy thing, I mean I've always been a hopeless romantic but all the girls I've dated in the past didn't mind romance, but weren't into it as much. This girl listens to the same songs and music I listen to and thats the first time thats happened. Well after talkin a lil I started holdin her hand, and she didnt mind it at all, so I kissed her hand to show her I cared and she smiled. So after a few minutes, I looked in her eyes, and leaned over and kissed her. It was a type of kiss I haven't felt in a while, a soft, gentle, loving, sweet kiss. I guess I cant stop thinking about her, now only time will tell. I'm thinkin about askin her out, but I'ma wait a lil bit just so the time can be just perfect, and so that we know eachother enough before we get there. So, I guess thats all I got to update right now, oh yeah and I got my licence, so hopefully I can get my car on the road A.S.A.P.
peace
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| INTERESTING |
[09 Dec 2004|03:27pm] |
December 18th,2003
1. Go to my school, and sign up for my G.E.D.
2. Go to the D.M.V. and get my permit.
3. Start my schedule of working out.
4. Go job hunting, find a job.
5. Talk to a Marine Recruiter and work out being signed up for the Marines.
6. Gain my respect back from everyone who lost it for me.
7. Spend more time with my friends.
8. Be the best boyfriend I can to my girlfriend
December 9th, 2004
1. still workin on the g.e.d.
2. Finally got my Licence TODAY
3. I gotta start that again, haha
4. I'm waitin for Estes to call.
5. Bush is present, need I say anymore.
6. I've grown, and i got that respect back
7. Now I can spend time with my friends.
8. I'm single but i'm talkin to the most beautiful girl in the world.
WOOOOOW, go figure almost a year after i make a list, I'm finally almost completing it. Well if that was my new years resolution at the time, I'd have to say I've done alright this year. aight I'm done updating
peace
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| One Step Higher |
[09 Nov 2004|02:26am] |
Well,
Lifes been alright, finally after being 18 and 1/2 I have 4 more weeks before I get my licence, which should be cool. Um.... I'm goin to start working at JC Penny on saturday, and hopefully life keeps goin pretty smooth. welllll........thats all I got to say ppl. ON DECEMBER 9TH LOOK BOTH WAYS BIOOOOTCHES! cuz G-UNIT is coming threw mehe wiggy wiggy wiggy.
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[01 Nov 2004|05:43pm] |
post a memory of me.
it doesn't matter what it is.
post this in your journal.
see what people remember about you.
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| Who Cares |
[05 Sep 2004|02:20am] |
Hey Journal,
Yeah I don't like writing in this thing anymore really. I have nothing to update, for a while there I was doing pretty good. I mean I had a good job and everything, and I had heather, but all sweet things come to an end don't they. I was working at my ex's Uncles business. I rocked over there, I was buildin houses making good money and shit, and I was happy. Once I broke up with Heather because she was a completely different person than I thought she was. I was talking to a friend of mine Hannah, and I was telling her how my expectations for her were very high, because my expectations of myself were high. I knew her like the top of my head, I knew what got her mad, I knew what made her happy. I knew how to cheer her up, and I knew when something made her mad. I knew basically every aspect of her, because she let me. And I gave her everything so that she knew me, yet she didn't. I'd hurt because she'd do things that would hurt me and she didn't even know nor understand. I'd explain and she'd take it as she'd take everything else, as bullshit. She'd pretend she understood and pretended everything was fine. I'd forgive her and she'd do something else. Not only that, there were more things that bothered me about her, I looked at her as the most beautiful thing in the world, yet she wasn't. I lied to myself because of my low self esteem. I went for the first thing that came to me, and unfortanately it was a heavy subconcious girl, who was insecure and made that a flaw that murdered only me but our relationship. It caused obsession on her part. She thought I was the only thing that she could get because she knew the facts, she was a heavy girl, with a very horrible personality. What I mean by horrible is her attitude, her hurtful words to see if I loved her. She'd hurt me to see if I actually felt pain. If I hurt than thats how she know that I did love her. Well my friend Hannah came to the conclusion that maybe I choose the first girl I see because of MY fear of not finding something, and than finding a girl to basic for me. Not to sound cocky, but I am quite complicated, theres many aspects of me that she couldnt possibly comprehend, and maybe thats why we always clashed..well now me and her are broken up and because of that I lost my job (I quit). I was living with my brother so that I could get to work, and once I left my job, I left my brothers. So now I feel like I have nothing, no job, no girl, no money, and no ambition. Nows the time to truly suck it up and be strong. I gotta build my ambition back up and so I have. I started working out and tryin to build my body up so I can gain some confidence. Not only that I'm goin to start goin to a school for my G.E.D., I plan on working at a piece of shit job till I get my licence in December. Once I get my licence, I'll find a job doing what I love doing again. Being a carpenter, buildin houses and mastering a skill that takes blood, sweat and tears. Yeah its a job where I work like a bull, but its a love for me. Everyday after I came home from work, I felt good about myself, because I would drink beers with my boss and the builder, and I would see the builders kids. It made me feel good that those children would live in something that I created. They will grow and have beautiful memories. And I was proud of myself, because I made something that had meaning to it. Once I get my licence I'll gain that back. If that doesnt work for me, once I get my licence back, I'll go to a technical school so that I can gain another skill possibly as a mechanic, architect or electrician. Lifes pretty tough right now, because it deals alot with patience, my lack of transportation holds me down alot. When it comes to my life with girls, I have a few girls in my life who are sweet and loving, and caring, who I can see as future girlfriends, but I can't build love like I used to want. I have developed a fear for it, it's brought many good memories, but more pain than happiness, and I take that as wisdom. I see the value of love, but maybe heather was a message that I'm too young to try finding something that I want to spend the rest of my life with. For GOD SAKES my mother said Heather wasn't right for me, and my mom knew heather pretty good. My mom said I could do alot better, and I intend on doing that. Finding something better, less intense, and more focused on my goals. I plan on being successful at a young age, and to do that I have to work hard. I see my work now as something to give back to my children in the future. I still intend to enjoy my youth and go out, but I definately need to set my priorities straight...and I wont update this journal really, till I go a step higher to my goals, whether a baby step or not, this is the begining of my ambition.
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| My Own Thief |
[02 Sep 2004|05:53pm] |
Haven't slept, my bodys dead,
still can't believe the things I said.
I killed her soul, I killed her heart,
I ripped it out and tore it apart.
It's hard to live, I have much guilt,
I watched my delicate rose, slowly wilt.
I watched it happen like a movie in the theater,
and everytime I think about it, its gets weirder.
I die inside, my soul rots in pain,
a million rice in a batch, but I lost the perfect grain.
Like a needle in a hay stack, like a thorn in a bush,
I stretched out my arms, looked at her and pushed.
I pushed her away, as I push away the world,
I write this and feel my stomach curl.
I love her and hate her, though my hatreds for myself,
I had my pieces of gold, all i cared about was wealth.
Like hamlet, I died in ambition,
for I ripped my own heart out, I made the insition.
I write mysery, I write about a disease,
its love, its everywhere from books to movies.
The most addicting drug, left without a goodbye call,
and I have the most horrible withdrawl.
I dont type with my head, I dont write with my mind,
I write with my soul and heart, lost on what to find.
For I've tasted loves antichrist, heartbreak and sorrow,
and I have to suck it up in one big swallow.
I burn my minds chambers of memories,
for I sin with arson, my minds felony.
I slash my heart, making blood of love, to blood of rage,
every deal has its own wage.
And so mine is this tragedy, this is my book,
for I robbed my owned golds I am my own crook.
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| Haven't Written In A While, Well Heres My New Piece... |
[26 Aug 2004|03:01pm] |
Time for poetry, time for my story,
I speak of lost relationships, and some past glorys.
I can only write pain, because happiness ends,
no matter how many prayers, pleads, I lose what I defend.
For I am 18, and I've lived as if I was old,
for I've had to grow in my youth, defend families, and grow bold.
I've set my mind for killings once, so I wouldn't get killed,
for I'd have to kill my father, so mom's blood won't get spilled.
Lost my brother, because my Stepfathers a beast,
I can't speak of the horrible things, and he's 70 none the least.
Lost my newphew Joshua, and niece Jaylen,
they give me reasons to pray, You couldn't imagine what I'm saying.
I've abused my heart, to the point, where I hold on threads,
wishing sometimes that I can lie in my deathbed.
I drown in guilt for Heathers pain,
for that mark of hers, will always be a stain.
I rain of tears, I burn of thoughts,
for how can so much pain be brought.
Though my faith stands, I'll die in hope,
I wash away my pains and sins, with tears and soap.
My story is mysery, MY STORIES BLOOD AND TEARS!
HOW CAN I HAVE MY OWN BIOGRAPHY, AFTER 18 YEARS?
My mind is a chamber of secrets and scars,
I close it up, and put my own mind behind bars.
To much thoughts of pain, and thoughts of death,
the voices won't stop till i breathe my last breath.
My story isn't pleasant, it isn't nice,
It's filled with trauma, and sacrifice.
From the youngest I remember, until now,
I beg to GOD in a bended knee bow.
I'm to hurt to write, to hurt to speak,
for I've opened enough, I let my closet leak.
See these words as art, as If I was Edgar Allan Poe,
for this love of mine is small highs, and big lows.
Pretty frightening, but very true,
8-14-03 You don't know how much I loved you.
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[22 Jul 2004|08:22pm] |
quick update,
Life is good, fun, and I'm finally happy, took me 10 months to finally feel this frikin good, but it doesnt matter, atleast now i'm living, and i'ma do what i gotta do.
peace
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[29 Jun 2004|03:58pm] |
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got my permit, now i'm an installer buildin houses, and yeah the rest of my life sux, peace
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[10 Feb 2004|09:21pm] |
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Oh yeah......I've been spending more time with my friends and Heather and I are doing alot better.
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[10 Feb 2004|09:20pm] |
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well, I said I wasnt going to update till I crossed off some things on my list so here we go......tomorow I am going to start a job in construction with good pay.....and thursday i'm going to take the test for my permit..........peace
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[18 Dec 2003|09:57pm] |
Hello all,
Wassup everyone... time to update because I have nothing better to do. I have become quite a loser in the past few months, I mean I quit my job, I dropped out of school, and I deserted my friends. I need to get a grasp of life again. So here are my goals, and I will only update once I accomplished one of them.
1. Go to my school, and sign up for my G.E.D.
2. Go to the D.M.V. and get my permit.
3. Start my schedule of working out.
4. Go job hunting, find a job.
5. Talk to a Marine Recruiter and work out being signed up for the Marines.
6. Gain my respect back from everyone who lost it for me.
7. Spend more time with my friends.
8. Be the best boyfriend I can to my girlfriend
now I just have to pray, and with prayer work on what I need to do, hopefully by March of next year I will be pretty successful at what I need to do.
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[30 Nov 2003|10:07pm] |
Hello all,
Long time no write, hehe get it no talk but no write....anyways, lifes been pretty good to me lately i guess. Alot has changed for me, I have had a girlfriend for 3 months and it feels like I can truly trust her. My dream has always been to find something that people have only simply heard about (true love). I feel like I have found it, and if Heather and I would break up GOD FORBID!!!!!!, I would still search. It can possibly be my weakest point of my personality or my strongest. But like I said alot has changed. Last thursday, Roger got his licence, and came to stop by my house, after chillin for a while he wanted to go to McDonalds, so I decided to cruise with him in celebration of his licence. Well the worst of one of my fears actually happened. I got into a car accident, we skid, and my passenger side slammed into a boulder. My window was shaddered and doctors told me that if I wasn't wearing my seatbelt I would be dead, and I believe it cuz once I came back from blacking out, it was the most horrific and painful feeling I have felt in my entire life. I'm taking painkillers for my knee since the stone almost shattered it. Besides that by the blessing of god I sit here typing about my life changing experience. It scares you, I mean you hear about accidents and get close to crashing, but you really forget the fact that you can actually be in one. It can happen. So that has given me a new respect to life and its true value. On to another subject, I dropped out of school, I have my reasons and I don't feel like it will stop me from my goals in life. Ofcourse it will make it more complicated and dificult but not impossible nor anything I can't handle with hope, faith, hardwork and ambition. I quit my job working at the deli, it sucked I mean I know that all jobs are stressful and all that stuff, but I quit for another reason. Not only was the environment, emotionally unhealthy but after 2 months instead of getting a pay increase, I got a paycut that was even illegal. So now I work on the weekends re-doing my girlfriends house for her mother. She got a loan to do whatever she needs to do for the house, and I help her with that. This weekend I worked 27 hours on the house. Its hard work but work is work, and it'll all be worth it when I can give my loved ones gifts for christmas. Well I plan on taking the G.E.D. test soon, and from there I'll take the ASVAPS. If all goes well I will soon become a United States Marine, something I have dreamed of, and feared for a very long time. But its something I must do for myself, and for the pride of my family. The happiness it will bring them to know that there LAZY one of the family achieved something that not anyone can do. Well I think I have updated enough so I'm gonna go to bed now
I'm out with a peace
PEACE
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[30 Aug 2003|02:19pm] |
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Lifes been good, I got a new g/f, shes a real sweety, we get along, i really care about her, she has a good future ahead of her, as so do i, (atleast i hope), her family loves me and i love her family. school starts on wednesday, i wanna jump off a cliff but i'll manage......so thats the update.
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[11 Aug 2003|10:51pm] |
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
that helped, alright peace
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[10 Aug 2003|01:09am] |
::sigh:: I guess it's time to update my journal because I haven't updated it in the longest of time, and I know everyone is just DYING to read this thing (yeah right). Well to update my summer, I have gotten quite close to a girl named Nikki who is now a very good friend. I went on a 7 day cruise to 4 carribean islands. It was fun, I drank, I smoke, I met alot of good people that I still talk to. After the cruise, my parents decided to extend the vacation for another week and stay in puerto rico. I spent some time with my cousins and family over there, it was fun. I had a good time, but I also started to miss my house dearly, because I missed talking to alot of my friends who I love dearly. So I came back to jersey, went bowling and the stress of adolescence life was waiting for me when I came back. I chilled with a few people, than I was invited to go to the Poconos with Brittany. Brits like my sis and I love her like family, and it would be fun so I went to the Poconos with her. We had more fun, I went fishing and mostly relaxed and lied around. I came back and yeah. Back to the girl part of my life, I started talking to Hannah again a few months ago. I've now known her for more than a year, and I hold her close to me. Her thoughts and opinions are filled with wisdom and experience and can be said to be my therapy at times. I like her again, I don't know how far that is going to go. Both of us have feelings for eachother, but we both have a fear of close relationships and love and such, because of the pain that can come with it. We're really young, and close relationships aren't very healthy at 17, in my opinion atleast. So yeah. I came back from the Poconos on Wednesday and it's now Saturday. I have now developed a certain hatred to the phone. I mean ever since the 5th grade I've spent hours daily on the phone. I guess after 7 years you finally get sick of it. Or maybe just the people who call you, I don't know how I feel anymore. I just have constant headaches and constant confusion about life, and things I have to deal with daily. I guess it's hard. Me and Janine chilled a few times lately, I think its good that me and her keep in contact, it shows that I still want a friendship with her, and if I can brighten up her day in anyway, I'm up for it. Hmmm......My parents are talking about moving again, I don't know how serious they are because they've told me about a million times that I'm going to move, so I just don't know anymore. If I do than I do, fate has a way of working, and so does destiny. I just have to do what I have to do and suck it up. I started talking to a really cool girl Tiffany who I met from facethejury. She just moved into Rockaway, so I'll try my best to make her feel at home over here, and try not to give her a hard time. Its hard moving from place to place, and if I can help her meet a few people to start a good way, than I'll do it. Kevins show is next Saturday, and I'm really excited to watch his band play. Kevs like a brother to me, I mean he was a friend from the begining, and has been there if I needed him. I love the guy like hes my blood. To see that he's doing well and him having a band, it just makes me happy. Also just being proud of him, I mean ever since freshman year, he was determined to make a good ska band, and to see that he gets more successful every day, makes me happy. So yeah, I think I'm goin as a roadie, which is AWESOME. He came over today, and we watched cartoons and t.v. shows for a while, it was fun, cartoons are funny as shit. We didn't kno what else to do so it was chill. He left and I did the usual, internet, ciggarette and dodging of phone call. So yeah, I think I updated pretty well. Leave a comment if ya want, doesnt matter to me. I'm out with a peace.
PEACE
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[21 Jul 2003|08:19pm] |
eeeeyo,
I'm still on vacation, I'm in puerto rico, havin a blast, but i miss you all, i'll be back on saturday
peace
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| Unwinding |
[12 Jul 2003|06:10pm] |
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So this week has been alright, Yesterday I spent the night with Cristine, Jodie and Nikki. We went to the White Meadow Lake Festival. So we walked around and found nothing really cool there, I saw Amanda Rivette which was pretty cool. I spoke to her for a while.I also saw Jamie, Leahs little sister, I was kinda hoping that I would see Leahs mom, I miss that lady soo much. She was so loving and understanding and I got along with her better than any other adult. I miss my second mommy. So after that, Cristine, Jodie and Nikki went for a walk and sat by the lake and watched the sun go down which was cool. Than we walked again and me and Nikki sat together on a bench. We spoke for a few minutes, and I realized she kept looking in my eyes, as I did hers. As I read her eyes I saw that she wanted to kiss me, as I did her, a million thoughts went through my head again. I thought over again and again if I should kiss her, in the end I took the chance and kissed her. It was a sweet and gentle kiss, I enjoyed it. Afterwards, we walked back to Jodie and Cristine where Nikkis ex boyfriend oakie was there. She was all scared ta see him but it was painless, he said Hi to her, and me and him spoke for a few, than he left. So we chilled more, yadda yadda yadda, I saw Brian Ross and Ryan Ratlif there which was cool. Than we left and walked back to Jodie's and as we were by some deli, I saw Leah and her boyfriend and a few others walk by. While they were leaving her boyfriend said "what the fuck are you looking at." I was going to walk up and see what he had to say than, but Jodie Cristine and Nikki stopped me. Even if I woulda got jumped or lost, I didn't care, but to simply express my rage on some guy who thinks hes tough, would have been satisfying to me. I regret not running up ta the Nick and hitting him in the face, but its over. So after that whole deal, We got to Jodies and played some basketball. Cristine kicked our asses, and so did Jodie, me and Nikki came in last but it was funny. There fun to hang out with. Nikki's dad picked us up and I went home and ate and chilled. Me and Nikki spoke on the phone till 5 in the morning. Now to my frustration, I truly wish people would understand me. I can't count how many times I have been asked when I am going to ask out Nikki. I made a whoooole entry about why I couldn't go out with Nikki, yet people simply don't get it. I feel like its pure ignorance sometimes. I mean do they not want to understand, how can they not understand. If I could only rip open my chest and show them the scars on my heart, maybe than they could understand. Everyone is like "take a chance", HOW CAN I TAKE A CHANCE? Cry my tears, feel my pain, feel my misery and ENDLESS STAB WOUNDS AIMED AT MY HEART, and see if YOU can take a chance. Is it peoples lack of experience that makes them careless to MY feelings. Everyones like suck it up and take a chance, but do they ever care about how I feel. Its like they just want to see there little fairy tale come true with there friend, but what they dont realize is, that so called "fairy tale" doesnt exist. If you put your heart on your sleeve, 9 out of 10 times your gonna get hurts. Its like playing russian roullete with your heart. Its like loading a gun with 5 bullets and leaving one blank, and than aiming it at your heart. after playing over and over and over again, the pain over sees the good. and the good that I've always looked for is fucking pointless. I dont mean to sound angry, but simply frustrated, I've been patient and tried to fill these people with understand but how patient can I be, when there thoughts are dripping with ignorance and selfishness. It just angers me how people are so careless but to there thought. I'm not being selfish, I dont feel that avoiding pain that can be prevented is a selfish thought. But I do feel that if someone attempts to push me into something I can't do, its putting unneccessary pressure on me, and soon I'm going to lash out. Not in violence but I'm eventually going to blow up, I can't take it sometimes.
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| Hello All |
[09 Jul 2003|03:06am] |
Wow, I haven't updated in a while. Well to update people, my summer days have not been soo bad. This week has been alright, I got to see Nikki last night which was fun. She's a good friend, I always have a good time, anytime me and her chill. I would be lying to myself and everyone else if I said I dont feel something for her. Shes a great girl and I have a bonding with her, but I can't help but to hit the breaks anytime I get to close. My history of relationships haven't been to good as everyone already knows. I have the tendency to open myself to everyone in hopes that they gain my trust. I was speaking to my friend Hannah about this last night. We were speaking about how my flaw is that I trust to easy, but the reason why I trust so easy, is because I want them to trust me in return. My past girlfriends have always feared guys who are dirtbags, and I open myself wide open so they realize I am not that guy, but once I open up, thats when I become vulnerable to pain. I can't be like that anymore, its not fair to Nikki, but its not fair to me. I can't keep risking pain to find something that possibly doesn't even exist. I was tempted to kiss Nikki again last night. I saw her crouched down, catching butterflies, and I just saw her as that beautiful girl that I always wanted and I wanted to just look in her eyes and tell her that she didn't have to worry about her feelings, because I felt the same ones. I wanted to touch her chin gently and give her a sweet kiss. But at that same very moment, I looked at the possibilities of the future, I saw the possible pain, hurt, and tears that come from these visions I get. And I stopped myself, everytime I take a chance I lose, and it's hard to keep living this way. Hannah asked me a good question yesterday. She asked me "Why do you always feel the need to be in a relationship." At first I didn't know how to answer her, because I didn't know myself. I paused for a minute and realized why I always want a relationship, I explained to her how it was the feeling of having a partner. It was the feeling of not being alone, but having someone there for everything you go through, it deals with a partnership. Me and her got realllly deep in the conversation but I learned alot about myself. Some people dont need a boyfriend/girlfriend to feel that partnership, because they have it with there closest friend. I explained to her how some people fullfill those needs with friends, and others with relationships. But either way, everyone has that need for a partnership in life. One where, you have someone always there for you, when you need them. I was online speaking about this for 2 straight hours. But going back to Nikki, I couldn't possibly hurt her, it's not that I don't want to take that chance, but I've taken too many chances. Its not her fault, it's Becka's, and Leah's and Jamie's and every girl who has ever hurt me. They worked together to force me in this barrier. I've put a blockade up, one to block the pain that I've went through over and over again. When it comes to Nikki, its like being caller 99, and not 100. Thats the shortest and easiest explanation I can say when it comes to my love life. I'm starting to miss Becka again for what she was, but god knows what that will bring. I'm not even going to get into that, cuz thats another episode in teen drama. On a brighter note, I'm leaving on Sunday to go on another 7 day cruise around the carribean islands, I'm looking forward to it. This year I don't need to worry about missing Becka. Well tomorow I need to wake up at 10 in the morning to get a haircut. Its about 3:30 in the morning now, so if I go to bed now I'll have about 6 and a half hours of sleep. Well thats enough updating for another couple minds. I'm out with a peace
PEACE
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[22 Jun 2003|07:47pm] |
| skel6969 | | Magic Number | 14 | | Job | Writer | | Personality | Chancer | | Temperament | What You Lookin' At? | | Sexual | If I Have To | | Likely To Win | Another Gold Star | | Me - In A Word | Compassionate | | Colour | | | Brought to you by MemeJack |
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